A New Language For Relating

IThe language we use to describe our inner world to ourselves and others is important. Our words can either reinforce our sense that there is something wrong with us, and create unnecessary barriers between ourselves and others, OR, it can facilitate intimacy, connection and healing. 

So often, I am told by clients and friends that when they have spoken up about a difficult emotion, a sense of overwhelm, hurt or depression, they have been disappointed to feel that their confidante has labeled them because of this intimate confession and responded as if there is something wrong with them as a human being.

Because of this objectification of another’s experience as if it were one of their fundamental qualities (they ARE depressed/unable to cope etc) we are less likely to be able to simply ‘be’ with someone when they are suffering, without unconsciously trying to fix or distract the person from what we see as the problem. The result is often that the other feels unseen, unheard and more disconnected than ever, and the relationship suffers. Nobody likes to be labeled at their most vulnerable moments. 

As many of us will already recognise, thoughts, feelings and physiological states (stress/relaxation), come and go. While some states are stickier than others (eg. grief), and others seem to come around in cycles (eg. those resulting from trauma) they are all ultimately transitory. In some cases, we can feel completely overwhelmed with exhaustion or despair and then, after a good sleep and a bit of perspective, find that we are feeling much better the next day. The fleeting nature of these experiences does not render them invalid however. Rather, we can look at any challenging experience as a trailhead to something within us that needs expression and recognition.

This is only possible, if we have a perspective and language which allows for their safe expression. Parts-work recognises that we all have multi-minds rather than mono-minds. That is, we have various adapted mental/structures that respond in different life situations, and that aren’t necessarily aware of our other adaptive structures, or our essential, adult Self, until we actively engage and create relationship between them. Although this may sound similar to the psycho-pathology known as schizophrenia, the ‘multi-mind’ theory is commonly accepted as a natural and healthy developmental aspect of all human minds. However, in many of us these structures can be ill-adapted or isolated due to our early childhood circumstances. Because of this, parts-work offers us a new language for understanding and expressing ourselves, and relating to others. 

For example, when I am going through a challenging time, I am able to share with others that ‘there is a part of me’ that is experiencing turmoil, sadness or difficulty. Or I can share with a loved one that a ‘part of me’ was hurt by what they said to me. I can verbally acknowledge that the part of me that feels I am unlovable has ‘blended’ (taken front and center stage in my experience), but that this is not always the case and does not represent who I am as a whole human self. I can acknowledge that I see that ‘a part of’ my partner was triggered by something I said and responded in anger, even though they didn’t mean to lose their cool with me. 

Using this kind of language honours the fact that we are not ONLY our past experiences, traumas or ‘out of control moments’ - we are much much more than this. We are all human and have an essential self as well as parts that sometimes have a will or behaviour that seems in contradiction to the self we or our loved ones identify as ‘us’. When we step back and recognise our hurting parts, we immediately gain perspective, disentangle from the part, come back into our true adult self. In this way we can preserve our own and others' precious curiosity about what is going on with the part in question. This creates an opportunity for us to be witnessed, and integrate these parts in a healthy way in RELATIONSHIP - which is fundamental to our need for connection as human beings. 

I invite you to begin to get curious about the parts of you that you don’t like, or prefer not to look at. To remove the mask of shame about having behaviors or feelings that are not in sync with how we would like to see ourselves or be seen. To communicate with ourselves and others from this place of acceptance and curiosity and wisdom.