A New Language For Relating

IThe language we use to describe our inner world to ourselves and others is important. Our words can either reinforce our sense that there is something wrong with us, and create unnecessary barriers between ourselves and others, OR, it can facilitate intimacy, connection and healing. 

So often, I am told by clients and friends that when they have spoken up about a difficult emotion, a sense of overwhelm, hurt or depression, they have been disappointed to feel that their confidante has labeled them because of this intimate confession and responded as if there is something wrong with them as a human being.

Because of this objectification of another’s experience as if it were one of their fundamental qualities (they ARE depressed/unable to cope etc) we are less likely to be able to simply ‘be’ with someone when they are suffering, without unconsciously trying to fix or distract the person from what we see as the problem. The result is often that the other feels unseen, unheard and more disconnected than ever, and the relationship suffers. Nobody likes to be labeled at their most vulnerable moments. 

As many of us will already recognise, thoughts, feelings and physiological states (stress/relaxation), come and go. While some states are stickier than others (eg. grief), and others seem to come around in cycles (eg. those resulting from trauma) they are all ultimately transitory. In some cases, we can feel completely overwhelmed with exhaustion or despair and then, after a good sleep and a bit of perspective, find that we are feeling much better the next day. The fleeting nature of these experiences does not render them invalid however. Rather, we can look at any challenging experience as a trailhead to something within us that needs expression and recognition.

This is only possible, if we have a perspective and language which allows for their safe expression. Parts-work recognises that we all have multi-minds rather than mono-minds. That is, we have various adapted mental/structures that respond in different life situations, and that aren’t necessarily aware of our other adaptive structures, or our essential, adult Self, until we actively engage and create relationship between them. Although this may sound similar to the psycho-pathology known as schizophrenia, the ‘multi-mind’ theory is commonly accepted as a natural and healthy developmental aspect of all human minds. However, in many of us these structures can be ill-adapted or isolated due to our early childhood circumstances. Because of this, parts-work offers us a new language for understanding and expressing ourselves, and relating to others. 

For example, when I am going through a challenging time, I am able to share with others that ‘there is a part of me’ that is experiencing turmoil, sadness or difficulty. Or I can share with a loved one that a ‘part of me’ was hurt by what they said to me. I can verbally acknowledge that the part of me that feels I am unlovable has ‘blended’ (taken front and center stage in my experience), but that this is not always the case and does not represent who I am as a whole human self. I can acknowledge that I see that ‘a part of’ my partner was triggered by something I said and responded in anger, even though they didn’t mean to lose their cool with me. 

Using this kind of language honours the fact that we are not ONLY our past experiences, traumas or ‘out of control moments’ - we are much much more than this. We are all human and have an essential self as well as parts that sometimes have a will or behaviour that seems in contradiction to the self we or our loved ones identify as ‘us’. When we step back and recognise our hurting parts, we immediately gain perspective, disentangle from the part, come back into our true adult self. In this way we can preserve our own and others' precious curiosity about what is going on with the part in question. This creates an opportunity for us to be witnessed, and integrate these parts in a healthy way in RELATIONSHIP - which is fundamental to our need for connection as human beings. 

I invite you to begin to get curious about the parts of you that you don’t like, or prefer not to look at. To remove the mask of shame about having behaviors or feelings that are not in sync with how we would like to see ourselves or be seen. To communicate with ourselves and others from this place of acceptance and curiosity and wisdom.

Amy’s Story

During the 8th month of my mother´s pregnancy with me, my older sister was almost killed by a speeding driver, outside our family home. My sister was rushed to hospital for brain surgery and to repair damage to her skull with titanium plates, but doctors could not reverse the hearing loss and brain damage caused by the accident. My sister was to stay in hospital for almost a year.

My mother told me later that she would hold her belly and beg me ´not to be born´, and in fact I was born 4 weeks later than my due date. In utero I was subjected to floods of adrenalin, cortisol and distressing emotions as I directly shared in my mother´s fear, despair, sadness and overwhelm. Right from the start, my physiology and brain were imprinted with a view of the world as hostile. I imagine that if anyone could have asked me at the time, I would have said that I didn’t want to be born. 

But this was just the beginning - our family life was unhappy and incredibly difficult for me, resulting in emotional burdens that were overwhelming by the time I was a teenager, and which lead to drug addictions, eating disorders and destructive relationships. When I was 16 years old, my reality was so weighed down by internal pain that I decided that somehow I had to find a solution - life couldn’t possibly have to be this painful, could it? 

I became a spiritual seeker and searched for books, techniques, and teachers all over the world. I was looking for ´enlightenment´ which I believed would bring me everlasting peace and happiness.

Although I went on to have many spiritual experiences, none of them lasted long, and the pain seemed to become worse after each of them. For a while I gave up, certain that there was no way out. 

When I was 33, I had an unexpected experience that lasted about a month; one day without any warning, my everyday anxieties suddenly fell away and I found myself as an enormous, expansive open space of awareness - my normal egoic personality seemed to have dissolved. I was elated. I was at peace. I had no more questions. This was it! 

About a month later, equally without warning, the experience ended. Yet again it was as if nothing had ever happened - my old personality structure was back strongly as ever, along with my suffering. It was to be the beginning of a couple of years of misery, as I sought to relive my glimpse of ‘enlightenment’. 

Frustrated, I started reading about how ‘The Body Keeps The Score’ (written by Bassel Van Der Kolk) and began to realise that these traumas seemed to be stored in my body, and appeared to be emotions that were sort of ‘velcroed’ to certain beliefs - about myself and the world. I allowed myself to stop seeking spiritual answers, and decided to directly address my emotional traumas.

Again, I studied different techniques,and tried everything on myself. I made progress and was able to move through some of the stronger repressed emotion/belief complexes that were driving the suffering my life. AND, to my surprise, I came to discover that the messy and painful parts of myself were valuable parts of my whole, healed self.

Although I had already had a taste of my true nature, my unintegrated parts would not allow me to ‘stay in self’ as long as they remained isolated, showing their presence in moments of stress or despair. This discovery revolutionised my approach to my own healing and my work as a guide - I saw that to be in harmony in my life, I had to be in harmony with all my parts, even those I was ashamed of or didn’t want to face. By doing this all of my experiences became trailheads to self-discovery and I was able to come to trust the process that was trying to unfold in me.

The work I offer allows the integration needed for the simple, yet radical realisation of who you really are and allows your true self to shine. 

It’s this important and powerful work that I offer to those who are ready. 

With love, 

Amy